Middle Hands

My life is a constant battle...not with anyone in particular, just myself. I battle myself constantly on a daily basis. Its very difficult to describe as I am sitting here right now. I wish I could but for now, that to come a conclusion as to who i am as a person is extremely difficult for me. I pretend that I am this good natured, intelligent person who has been pushed-down and ridiculed his whole life, when really all I am is a thief, a liar, and a cheater. As well as an addict. Now I do not know how to change myself from being that. It is all I remember myself being. The only times I am able to control my stealing is if the danger of getting caught is way too risky. I will steal from a purse, but not from a bank. When I was younger I wouldnt even care if I got caught, I stole just to steal. It wasnt because I needed a half a soda of diet pepsi, I would still walk into someone's garage drink a soda and leave the can behind. This is going to be a very jumbled blog because I am high right now while writing this and my mind already skips around.
I am crazy to think that i am going to be a good teacher when I cant get through one day without being high. I am a hypocrite, I am selfish, and I dont know what to do about it. I am so quick to criticize when I am more fucked up then the people I do criticize. I need an outlet. Something that will take my mind off drugs and clean me up. My addiction is hidden behind lies and shame. The past is my demon.

In 20 years, when I look back at what I accomplished my last couple years, I am going to be extremely disappointed. I could have done so much and instead I allowed my conscience and attitude destroy my life. I let a girl get in the way of my diploma. I let myself take advantage of people and I did it all without realizing it until recently. I am such a shitty human being. And until I chage, I always will be. Once someone finds out what I have done in the past and what I am doing now, I will lose everyone around me. And that scares the shit out of me more than anything. I take them for granted. And its time to stop!

Been a while...

Its definitely been a while since i posted anything on here. I started it up to give myself some creative juice in between work and school and only used it for a few days and then got bored and stopped. It is like everything else i do in my life. I start something but can never finish... I bought a guitar, played it for like a week, figured it was too hard to learn, and stopped. Now i just keep putting it off, saying i will play it, but when i find time, i do something else and say i will do it next time. I always say "i will" "i will", but i never really do. I suck at following through with things, and I am still an addict. Somedays I am happy, mostly when I am taking my meds, and somedays I am not so happy, mostly when I dont have any. I keep saying i will stop buying, but i keep buying. I am a hypocrite! I am not as cool as I think i am, and here i am hanging out with a girl who I am not even all that into. I thought i was, but i just like having someone next to me. I do not actually want this to progress into anything. I need to get self-motivated and do what I can do what I can. I need to become happy with myself!

The real me...

You know, I base this blog on telling the truth because I find myself lying a lot in "real life".. Not really on purpose, but I care about the way people view me, including family, so I want this blog to be as truthful as possible. With that said, the theme of this blog is based around what is going on, or happened in the past, in my life. I want it to be a reflection of me, and all the personalities that embody me. I consider myself a happy, outgoing, sad, sometimes depressed, frustrated, exciting, deceitful, athletic, adventure-crazed, and flamboyant human being. I can joke about anything and am freaked out of flying.

So with all this said, my graduation party is this Saturday. Yet i have not officially graduated yet. Go figure. I am 27, I have almost 140 college credits yet i still cannot seem to figure it out. I think subconsciously I am afraid to grow up. I have less than $1,000 in the bank and I have a horrible spending habit. I tell people I am happy, but really I am sad inside. I am craving something more out of life. Through out college I wanted to be a teacher. It's what i have been studying to do for the past 5 years yet, now that i find myself close to the end, I am second guessing myself. I do not feel 27 years old. I constantly wish I was younger, but it is only because I hang out with a younger crowd. So I am torn between these two worlds, growing up and grown up. I never had guidance or people telling me what I should do and how i should do it, and I never ask for help. I think that is my biggest downfall. I should ask for help more often, yet I never think of asking until it is too late. I am constantly looking for ways to forget the hardships of going through life, and I crave to be on my own again. I crave adventure of any sort every single day. I just want people to see me for me. But I am scared of being myself. I want to remain young yet grow up at the same time I am just struggling to find that balance right now. So I started this blog as a new way to self-medicate myself besides pills and greens, so hopefully this will help me put my life into perspective and really help me make sense of what it is I want to get out of this life I am living. I want to start my career so at least i feel like i have a purpose.....

Changents.com

I just found some videos on YouTube about this project called "The Big Green Bus". You can check it out at: thebiggreenbus.org. College students from Dartmouth built a bus that runs entirely on vegetable oil. They collect this oil from dumpsters, garbage, or just random stuff that people leave behind. They have a pump and a filter that filters through all the big stuff and takes the liquid directly to the tank that the bus runs on. Its pretty amazing and they travel all over the U.S. for three months making stops in most states to spread the word on how to save the environment. I found myself wishing I was a part of something like this. This is definitely something I would want to do for a summer, you get the best of everything, hanging with people you care about all summer, traveling to different places, meeting new people, and constantly having adventures, all for an amazing cause. So i found a website called changents.com, and I am definitely going to partner up there and find something that I can do to help people. I really want to make a change, not only in my life, but in others as well. I feel that I have been through enough that i can help people who are going through some of the things that I went through in my past. I want to reach out and get involved in different organizations and help make a difference in people's lives who need it. I am tired of sitting home and just hanging out, I want to be out and experience the world. And there is no better time than now to do that.


Links:

thebiggreenbus.org
changents.com
earthkeepers.com

In Between Dreams

There can never be too many smiles,
The road of life lasts for miles,
So make the most of it and live it all up,
Take another swig from that happiness cup.

I am confused about what I want in my life,
I am confused about whether or not I want a wife.
I have been waiting for something spectacular to happen,
Like a clock that is ticking and tocking.

I have always wanted to be a teacher,
To change the lives of children everywhere.
But I cannot seem to get to where I want to be,
To many obstacles trying to prevent me.

I want to break free from these chains and start my life,
I want to drop everything and move away from the pain and strife.
I want to squeeze the dreams out of every person and make some dream juice,
Its refreshing in the morning and gives me clues to my own.

Finding my path has taken much longer than expected,
I tried to be successful but instead i just pretended.
So now i am back to where I was when I was just a teen,
Caught somewhere in the middle and in between dreams.

So i just read in Newsweek about this new book called "Camp Camp". It's a collection of stories from campers about first kisses, missing home, life lessons at summer camp, and dances and socials and things like that. It actually seems really interesting and gave me a great idea for a book that I would like to write about my experiences at all my camps i have worked at. I got some good ass stories about everything and definitely alot of sexy stories as well..wink wink. I mean i am def gonna try and put some things together and see how many pages it could possibly be, because I bet i could fill up a lot of books with funny stories. I am sure there are probably some books out there, but none that will be up to my level. It is time to start on my new mission... tune in people, the life and times of Griff Carter coming soon!

I want to feel...

Every time I smoke weed, I wished I hadn't. Its a cycle I struggle with every day. I cannot explain why I need it, except for the fact that I would rather take my mind off of my life, instead of stare at it head-on and deal with the challenges that face me. I know for a fact that if I never started smoking weed, I would be graduated, I would most likely have a career going, and I would have more money. I do not want to be stupid anymore. I want to stop. I REALLY do. It's so much harder than i thought. I guess you could say that I am officially addicted. But I am not buying anymore. Even though I have said that a million times, I need to mean it this time. So i'll say it again: I AM NOT BUYING ANYMORE! I want to laugh without being high, I want to cry, I want to smile without being stoned, I want to feel pain, I want to experience the ups and downs of life like everyone else, I want feelings. I am tired of being numb and pretending everything is ok. I am desperate because I need to turn things around and not concentrate on vagina anymore. I need myself. I want to volunteer my time and help others. I want to create new things that make people happy. I want to make a better life for myself. I want to work hard and stay busy. I want to be adventurous and explore the world. I want to travel everywhere. I want to drop everything and leave for a while not knowing where I am going. I want all of this, but most importantly, I WANT To Feel!