Middle Hands

My life is a constant battle...not with anyone in particular, just myself. I battle myself constantly on a daily basis. Its very difficult to describe as I am sitting here right now. I wish I could but for now, that to come a conclusion as to who i am as a person is extremely difficult for me. I pretend that I am this good natured, intelligent person who has been pushed-down and ridiculed his whole life, when really all I am is a thief, a liar, and a cheater. As well as an addict. Now I do not know how to change myself from being that. It is all I remember myself being. The only times I am able to control my stealing is if the danger of getting caught is way too risky. I will steal from a purse, but not from a bank. When I was younger I wouldnt even care if I got caught, I stole just to steal. It wasnt because I needed a half a soda of diet pepsi, I would still walk into someone's garage drink a soda and leave the can behind. This is going to be a very jumbled blog because I am high right now while writing this and my mind already skips around.
I am crazy to think that i am going to be a good teacher when I cant get through one day without being high. I am a hypocrite, I am selfish, and I dont know what to do about it. I am so quick to criticize when I am more fucked up then the people I do criticize. I need an outlet. Something that will take my mind off drugs and clean me up. My addiction is hidden behind lies and shame. The past is my demon.

In 20 years, when I look back at what I accomplished my last couple years, I am going to be extremely disappointed. I could have done so much and instead I allowed my conscience and attitude destroy my life. I let a girl get in the way of my diploma. I let myself take advantage of people and I did it all without realizing it until recently. I am such a shitty human being. And until I chage, I always will be. Once someone finds out what I have done in the past and what I am doing now, I will lose everyone around me. And that scares the shit out of me more than anything. I take them for granted. And its time to stop!