Been a while...

Its definitely been a while since i posted anything on here. I started it up to give myself some creative juice in between work and school and only used it for a few days and then got bored and stopped. It is like everything else i do in my life. I start something but can never finish... I bought a guitar, played it for like a week, figured it was too hard to learn, and stopped. Now i just keep putting it off, saying i will play it, but when i find time, i do something else and say i will do it next time. I always say "i will" "i will", but i never really do. I suck at following through with things, and I am still an addict. Somedays I am happy, mostly when I am taking my meds, and somedays I am not so happy, mostly when I dont have any. I keep saying i will stop buying, but i keep buying. I am a hypocrite! I am not as cool as I think i am, and here i am hanging out with a girl who I am not even all that into. I thought i was, but i just like having someone next to me. I do not actually want this to progress into anything. I need to get self-motivated and do what I can do what I can. I need to become happy with myself!

The real me...

You know, I base this blog on telling the truth because I find myself lying a lot in "real life".. Not really on purpose, but I care about the way people view me, including family, so I want this blog to be as truthful as possible. With that said, the theme of this blog is based around what is going on, or happened in the past, in my life. I want it to be a reflection of me, and all the personalities that embody me. I consider myself a happy, outgoing, sad, sometimes depressed, frustrated, exciting, deceitful, athletic, adventure-crazed, and flamboyant human being. I can joke about anything and am freaked out of flying.

So with all this said, my graduation party is this Saturday. Yet i have not officially graduated yet. Go figure. I am 27, I have almost 140 college credits yet i still cannot seem to figure it out. I think subconsciously I am afraid to grow up. I have less than $1,000 in the bank and I have a horrible spending habit. I tell people I am happy, but really I am sad inside. I am craving something more out of life. Through out college I wanted to be a teacher. It's what i have been studying to do for the past 5 years yet, now that i find myself close to the end, I am second guessing myself. I do not feel 27 years old. I constantly wish I was younger, but it is only because I hang out with a younger crowd. So I am torn between these two worlds, growing up and grown up. I never had guidance or people telling me what I should do and how i should do it, and I never ask for help. I think that is my biggest downfall. I should ask for help more often, yet I never think of asking until it is too late. I am constantly looking for ways to forget the hardships of going through life, and I crave to be on my own again. I crave adventure of any sort every single day. I just want people to see me for me. But I am scared of being myself. I want to remain young yet grow up at the same time I am just struggling to find that balance right now. So I started this blog as a new way to self-medicate myself besides pills and greens, so hopefully this will help me put my life into perspective and really help me make sense of what it is I want to get out of this life I am living. I want to start my career so at least i feel like i have a purpose.....

Changents.com

I just found some videos on YouTube about this project called "The Big Green Bus". You can check it out at: thebiggreenbus.org. College students from Dartmouth built a bus that runs entirely on vegetable oil. They collect this oil from dumpsters, garbage, or just random stuff that people leave behind. They have a pump and a filter that filters through all the big stuff and takes the liquid directly to the tank that the bus runs on. Its pretty amazing and they travel all over the U.S. for three months making stops in most states to spread the word on how to save the environment. I found myself wishing I was a part of something like this. This is definitely something I would want to do for a summer, you get the best of everything, hanging with people you care about all summer, traveling to different places, meeting new people, and constantly having adventures, all for an amazing cause. So i found a website called changents.com, and I am definitely going to partner up there and find something that I can do to help people. I really want to make a change, not only in my life, but in others as well. I feel that I have been through enough that i can help people who are going through some of the things that I went through in my past. I want to reach out and get involved in different organizations and help make a difference in people's lives who need it. I am tired of sitting home and just hanging out, I want to be out and experience the world. And there is no better time than now to do that.


Links:

thebiggreenbus.org
changents.com
earthkeepers.com

In Between Dreams

There can never be too many smiles,
The road of life lasts for miles,
So make the most of it and live it all up,
Take another swig from that happiness cup.

I am confused about what I want in my life,
I am confused about whether or not I want a wife.
I have been waiting for something spectacular to happen,
Like a clock that is ticking and tocking.

I have always wanted to be a teacher,
To change the lives of children everywhere.
But I cannot seem to get to where I want to be,
To many obstacles trying to prevent me.

I want to break free from these chains and start my life,
I want to drop everything and move away from the pain and strife.
I want to squeeze the dreams out of every person and make some dream juice,
Its refreshing in the morning and gives me clues to my own.

Finding my path has taken much longer than expected,
I tried to be successful but instead i just pretended.
So now i am back to where I was when I was just a teen,
Caught somewhere in the middle and in between dreams.

So i just read in Newsweek about this new book called "Camp Camp". It's a collection of stories from campers about first kisses, missing home, life lessons at summer camp, and dances and socials and things like that. It actually seems really interesting and gave me a great idea for a book that I would like to write about my experiences at all my camps i have worked at. I got some good ass stories about everything and definitely alot of sexy stories as well..wink wink. I mean i am def gonna try and put some things together and see how many pages it could possibly be, because I bet i could fill up a lot of books with funny stories. I am sure there are probably some books out there, but none that will be up to my level. It is time to start on my new mission... tune in people, the life and times of Griff Carter coming soon!

I want to feel...

Every time I smoke weed, I wished I hadn't. Its a cycle I struggle with every day. I cannot explain why I need it, except for the fact that I would rather take my mind off of my life, instead of stare at it head-on and deal with the challenges that face me. I know for a fact that if I never started smoking weed, I would be graduated, I would most likely have a career going, and I would have more money. I do not want to be stupid anymore. I want to stop. I REALLY do. It's so much harder than i thought. I guess you could say that I am officially addicted. But I am not buying anymore. Even though I have said that a million times, I need to mean it this time. So i'll say it again: I AM NOT BUYING ANYMORE! I want to laugh without being high, I want to cry, I want to smile without being stoned, I want to feel pain, I want to experience the ups and downs of life like everyone else, I want feelings. I am tired of being numb and pretending everything is ok. I am desperate because I need to turn things around and not concentrate on vagina anymore. I need myself. I want to volunteer my time and help others. I want to create new things that make people happy. I want to make a better life for myself. I want to work hard and stay busy. I want to be adventurous and explore the world. I want to travel everywhere. I want to drop everything and leave for a while not knowing where I am going. I want all of this, but most importantly, I WANT To Feel!

Stages

The inspiration comes from these pages,
My life seems to go by in stages.
1st stage: childhood, running around free.
2nd stage: tragedy, my mom taken away from me.
3rd stage: Isolation, locked in the cell that was my room.
4th stage: loneliness, she left me way too soon.
Now its time to find the 5th stage,
Now its time to turn a new page.
5th stage: happiness, I can see it now.
So close within my grasp, can't hold me down.
I am ready to close the door on the old and open a new one,
The one that makes all the hurt be gone.
Pain is a part of every day things,
Helps you learn lessons to the extreme.

She caught my eye...

Scanning down the rows, looking for the right one,
I came across a cute little smile that I wanted alone.
She looked at me and our eyes met for a second,
Could not believe the how perfect she is to check on.
I told some jokes to try and get a rise,
Instead I got some blank stares to my surprise.
I toned it down and talked serious for a minute,
She asked a few questions but I am still hesitant.
I want to know if she's into me, because she is beautiful as they come,
She asked me if I came into the city a lot like she was expecting me home.
I got her to work in my section, so now I have all summer to chase,
Can't stop staring at her sexy body and gorgeous face.
So now the real test begins, do i have the strength to do it again?

Pic of Day

If i was this size, i'd do the same thing. I would also buck them when my horns grew in, if this is in fact a deer, and knock them down and give them a deer dance. Chicks would totally dig it, dollar dance ya'll! Slow down, save some deer. You never know, you might be one somday....

Blonde Hair, Blue Eyes.... i am sprung!

Ok so been teaching this WSI class this past week, and there are about 3 or 4 really cute girls. It's def the only reason i been staying and helping, but I also have a lot of fun. I crave to be the center of attention at Camp Hillard. I love the fact that people laugh at me and find me funny there. I really feel like no other place on Earth when I am at a "camp setting". I have no idea why that is. But i love who i am when i am there. I am full of energy, I laugh and like everyone, and I am in the sun all day long. Absolutely three of my favorite things! U-GOD will forever be a part of my life. Coming up with the U-GOD was definitely one of those moments that remind me of Dave from Cali who used to come up with the most random things that I found so f-ing funny!! Anyways, back to my girlies...

So there is Eileen who is friends with Juliana, who i actually thought was sooo hot first. And she still is, but she's gotta man. So, i prob should've first, but i turned my sights to Eileen. but let's not forget first Stephanie..such a cutie, but so young. She has a beautiful smile, and her body is so on point! I just wish i could hang with her, but its prob gonna get me in trouble. So Eileen, is blonde and blue eyes, a killer combo, me being from CAli and all. But her personality is so goddamn addicting and she cracks me up. Not to mention that she's got an amazing smile as well. So after a few days, I have done nothing but flirt with her, and not in a private way at all. I am completely hooked on her. I dig her in so many ways. She has gorgeous eyes, she makes me laugh, and her body is sexy as hell, love her skin, no hairy arms, and sooo tan! She looks sooo hot! So she lives in New Ro, goes to Iona, and works at a day camp, telling me to visit during the summer. Now either she thinks i am funny as a motherfucker!, or she is into me. I am kinda trying to figure out which one it is cuz I am trying to step to her after classes but i feel like she runs out soooo fast.

Maybe if she dug me, she would hang and talk after class. Maybe she is embarrassed to do it in front of everyone. But the way she looks at me, i get that look, i can kinda tell she is into me. Always smiling at me. I wanted to ask her to hang tonight, but she ran mad quick. So i kinda took that as a hint that she didnt want to hear what i had to say. Or maybe she just aint in to me. She didnt give me that good reaction when i tapped her, but i do catch her lookin sometimes. But anyways, plenty of ladies tomorrow, and to be honest with you, for the first time i think since i been single, i am actually enjoying it. I am free to do what i want, and i love that. At least for now.. bt thats def a start. As long as that beyotch doesnt come around no more, I beeees Coool!!

So Monday, I am on Eileen like expect on orating! dig that! I need those digits cuz i really dig her.. we would totally have fun anywhere... anyways, love ya hillard! big ups to one! wagone!

Matt Dwyer made America!

Read this posting by a man named Matt Dwyer and thought it deserved to be reposted here. America, FUCK YEA!

People who know me will say one thing about me, “That Matt Dwyer … he sure is proud to be an American.” To which I reply, “Fucking A. right I am.” I am so proud to be an American that every 4th of July I dig a little hole in the ground and feed it cake because America deserves a tasty treat. I am also known to run all the faucets in my house and laugh at third world countries. I know that some people may find this to be insensitive, but that is what they get for not being in America. I mean come on poor people move to America where we have everything!!!! Actually please don’t. I prefer America to be filled with Americans.

You know what annoys me, Matt Dwyer, American? Americans who complain about America. If you don’t like America, then go move to some place that isn’t America like Guam, France or Ohio. Personally I don’t mind paying the high gas prices that we have right now. It supports the multi-national corporations that keep this country number one. You know what else we shouldn’t complain about? The Iraq war. Yeah that’s right. Personally I believe we should bomb every one who isn’t American and then make them American even if they are currently living in America. (I have enough faith in our military that they can bomb specific individuals even if they are shopping at a mall and not hurt American civilians.)

The other day I was in a bar and some communist was yammering on about how America has a bloodied past and all one has to do is look to the Trail of Tears to find an example of the atrocities America is capable of committing. To which I replied, “Hey pal, kiss my sweet American taint. It’s not my fault they weren’t born in America.” To which he said, “Actually they were born here.” Then I corrected him and said, “No, we invented America when we brought Plymouth Rock from England. Plus Injuns have the ability to turn into birds and fly away which is just terrifying.” Then he said, “You’re an idiot.” And then I said (with American pride), “If idiot is a synonym for American, then you are right thus making me the winner … or should I say … making AMERICA the winner.

In short people, I am proud to be an American living in America.

If you still have any doubts that America is the best, here is a list of American things America has contributed to the world: Flight, guns, beer, car racing, cars, cookies, reality television, roller coasters, books on tape, boobs, flip books, Flip Wilson, walks on the beach, all-you-can-eat buffets, champagne, Las Vegas, laser light shows, Greece, freedom, 24-hour marts, tumblers, tits, the electric chair, tits, confetti, Liberace, massage parlors, divorce, infidelity, God, America, The Age of Enlightenment, garage sales, hammers, gay bashing, cheek implants, obesity, face punching, gum, guys named Gary with extended bellies and small bathing suits, strip malls, hair, gorillas, Bruce Willis, soup, forced entry, arson, carpet, paint-by-number sets, Norman Rockwell, drum machines, peas, cans, Velcro, the number ten, Wombats, When Harry Met Sally, time machines, lip blisters, hair metal, falsies, moisture, the red stuff in thermometers, British humor, the works of Caravaggio, lesbian three ways, the assembly line, fast food, a rare form of syphilis, Hooked on Phonics, grey hair, tits, old men spitting up, velvet, the book of Deuteronomy, ham, crystal meth, Abercrombie and Fitch, drive bys, assless pants, explosions, boobs, boobies, tits, that feeling you get right when you realize you were lousy in bed, Tupperware, moss, red, bad credit, tits, fist fights, tooth decay, shaved balls, reach arounds and math.

Lehman College can suck my LEFT NUTTER BUTTER!

So today, I went into my school specifically to file for my teaching license. But I found out, as there are always plenty of surprises at Lehman College, that somehow i am short 6 credits in my major so my graduation is not valid at this point. Obviously, I was not mad yet, because I knew that this had to be mistake, as Lehman makes plenty of them every day of the Fuckin year! I went to the registrar's office and they were shocked that I did not get a letter from them telling me this. They told me they were "backlogged" and that is why i did not get a letter sooner. How much Bullshit is this?!? Wtf is backlogged anyways? Was she laying down in the sun in a lake on a log? I gott SOOO Fuckin pissed off after she said that to me. Like it was my fault that this was not taken care of. How is this my fault? And why does the school that I pay for, not give a SHIT if i graduate or not on time? You wanna know why, because they want more money. And they will get it if i do not graduate. I will continue to pay for the semester and pay extra as a non-matriculated part-time student.. Schools=business. At what point in history did this happen? Because I am realizing it first-hand that Schools=a business. ITS FUCKN BULLSHIT! I am almost 30, and I have stayed an extra year and a half in college because of this fuckin school and its fuckin non-organizational skills!

I am def going to look into why they do not just put in a program, where the classes are laid out for you in front of you, and you just have to go in order and take those classes. Why are there bullshit fuckin courses that people can choose to take or not, that will not or will or maybe count on your degree? I dont get it. Other schools can do it, LEHMAN COLLEGE CANNOT! And it fuckin pisses me off! I hear every day how students from this school have to stay longer because one professor said one thing, and the other said another, meanwhile the administration is saying something completely different. Every time you wanna sign up for a class, here's what you have to do: 1) get written persmission from that department 2) take that permission to the registrar 3) get a registrar's signature 4) take that to the undergraduate department 5) get their signature 6) take that to the computer 7) sign in and plug that code into the class you want 8) and pray that they accept that you got the right signatures from the right people... and 9 times out of 10, you didnt so you have to do it all over again. Last year they dropped all my classes without even informing me and I had to late register, which means, pay extra!!! LEHMAN COLLEGE CAN SUCK MY LEFT NUTTER BUTTER!!!!

Nick Swardson Stand-UP... He's Madd funny son

List of Goals

Goals:

1. Stop Stealing
1. Stop USING!
2. Stop Lying
3. Stop Cheating
4. Pass all cert tests
5. Get my cert license
6. Be Positive, surround yourself with positive people
7. Be inspired
8. Be Productive
9. Enjoy the unhappy and happy times of life
10. Experience each day to the fullest
11. Use computer less
12. Be outside more
13. Eat Healthier
14. Make at least 1.4 million people happier
15. Make a difference in every person's life that you meet
16. Have the best summer of your life
17. Remain sober for a year
18. Remember what it was like being sober and happy
19. Always remember the good and bad times
20. Make at least 40 friends this summer
21. Make at least 30 connections for your career this summer
22. Make the most money possible no matter what the job
23. Work hard at absolutely everything
24. Expand your mind
25. Get involved in something completely unusual
26. Tell jokes on a daily basis
27. Get more involved in family affairs
28. Talk to family more
29. Spend more time with the kids
30. Stop pretending to be busy when your not
31. Get busier
32. Complete at least 3 curriculums this summer
33. Put $20 away every week
34. Smile at someone you dont like
35. Go out of your way to do something you do not like to do
36. Get yourself into and out of an uncomfortable situation comfortably
37. Expect nothing less than perfection from yourself
38. Walk the dog more
39. Just be overall, a better person
40. Improve on every one of your qualitites and strengthen them

Who I am...

I want to stop stealing, using, and lying. I also want to learn how to save money and how to spend it wisely. I am tired of living in this fucking place and I am tired of not having a place to call my own as well as a career to call my own, yet i still cannot stop using. It is a vicious cycle that I am stuck in, like Fat Bastard in Austin Powers said : "I eat cause i am unhappy, and I am unhappy because i eat". That's the way I feel when i use. Sometimes I feel like i am strong enough to stop, and sometimes I don't. It takes away my mind from the painful things that I remember and do not want to. But it also takes me away from the struggles in life that i am going through. I do not feel like i fit in at all, I make fun of others to make myself feel better. That is so fucked up! I steal and lie to the people who mean the most to me and have done the most for me! Yet it is all i know how to do. But i am done doing it.

I NEED TO STOP! I NEED to STOP! I NNNEEEDDD TO STOP!!@!!!!!!!! I NEED to think clearly and logically about the future and where I wanna be in 10 years! I NEED HELP! I NEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDD HELLPPP! Someone please help me! I can't stop! Everytime I buy i say this is the last time. yet i keep going. i keep doing it. why cant i stop? I have family who supports me and stays out of my business, because i made it that way. I do not ask for help i just take it! Who does that to people they love? To people who were there for me in my greatest time of need? I do. I did. I still am. I cant stop. I need help.

The STrangers is scary?

Why does this look like the scariest fuckin thing ever? I would be freaked out if this happened to me. Although, how is the girl with the big eyes mask on hiding her eyes? If the eye holes were that big, you would def be able to see something underneath..wtf? Scary yo! But on Doghousefm.com, (if you haven't checked it out, link on the right! JV is the shit!) JV said it looked like the dude was wearing an old vacuum cleaner bag! hah. Def does. He looks like he just rolled out of work with that suit on, picked up his two daughters, and drove out to the woods..

But on a serious note, what would you do in this situation? I would def run as fast as i can..cuz i can def outrun girls, and a middle aged father of two! But i am bout to check this out on bootlegg and then figure out if its scary or not.. but i would def leave the girl behind! I aint dyin for nobody yet! when i have kids yes, but not now! peace ya'll

This would def slice some serious cheese off ur ass cheeks.. But I would def dare some kids I didnt like down this grate slide!! haha, get it?

I am so tired...

I am so tired of working dead end 9 to 5's.
I am so tired of not having a career.
I am so tired of driving a piece of shit car,
I am so tired of not being able to take it far.
I am so tired of not having any money,
I am so tired of not being funny.
I am so tired of popping pills to be happy,
I am so tired of smoking in order to sleep.
I am so tired of not having sex on a regular basis,
I am so tired of running around the life of bases.
I am so tired of making fun of everyone else,
I am so tired of not having shit to put on shelves.
I am so tired of being alone,
I am so tired of living in this home.
I am so tired of not having any good friends,
I am so tired of not making ends.
I am so tired that I just want to close my eyes and wake up to another life,
I am so tired that I want to cry almost every night.
I am so tired that I do not know what to do,
I am so tired that I wrote it all down for you.

New Wave: 7 Other team: 6

Ok so we definitely won our game tonight. Close one, only one argument, that i couldn't hear, but we won. I kinda hate Vinny not gonna lie. I like him when I am bored and there is nothing to do, but to actually be next to him for an extended period of time, really sucks. It's kinda like just having a mosquito buzz in your ear for a while, or have those Jehovah's Witnesses knock on ur door every day. Ok, i am not racist, just there is nothing off limits when it comes to humor with me. Suck it up America~!

Anywhoo, i am tired, a little stoned and ready for bed. This lil kid to the left is a motherfuckin gangstaaaa!!! Said she wanna lick the rapper!

Some people say...

Some people say that I need to get my priorities straight,
Some people say that I should worry about my career, not my next date.
Some people say that life is about more than just getting that girl,
Some people say that being serious is more important than a sense of humor.
Some people say that school is more important than anything else,
Some people say that to succeed you must believe in the power of self.
I believe that to be successful you need to have many qualities,
First a sense of humor is mandatory if you wanna get inside these jeans.
Sexiness is also a key to be with me,
But most importantly you need to have a beautiful pus*y!
It is the vag that makes the world a better place,
It is the soap that gives it an amazing taste.
So believe in yourself and the vag will come,
But even more key is the power to make fun!

Pic of the Day

I totally need to get me an invisible plane like this man. I would def fly it around town. Do you think that he turns invisible when he gets in? or can you see a man just sitting down and flyin around? I am not sure but either way, I gots to get me one of these!

This Turds for YOU!

I have come to the conclusion that I am too hot for ugly girls, and too ugly for hot girls. I am not sure why i just had this epiphany, probably has something to do with the fact that i am extremely picky when it comes to who i bang. But, i have no standards when it comes to making out... Not sure how healthy that is, but i am sure, it cannot be worse than the time i had to take a dump out in the garden because i was locked out of my house every night.. oh the glories of being a kid and having an evil stepmother! This turds for you NANCY@!!

Pic of the Day

Def wanna do a pic or video posting every day, to try and keep up. we shall see what i can dig up!

Tony Fillet o Fish! that is def you at Ward School.. This kid and the kid next to him are def the future dickhead managers of TGI Fridays! Whoomp there it is!

And that girl in the yellow in the back with her hands behind her back looks like the little girl from Kindergarten Cop!

White People should not wear Under Armour!

Ok first and foremost, white people looked terrible in Spandex in the late 80's and 90's so why wear it now? Under Armour was clearly made for athletes, so all you white, 40-sumthing year olds, take it off. If it had a pink stripe down the side it would be called Spandex.

This is my first time using a blog, so i am just exploring as to the benefits for me. I keep a journal but as a future teacher i am kinda exploring routes that would be good tools to connect with the youth of today.. Text messaging is BIG! Everyone texts, hell i text alot! So much so sometimes, my friends tell me to "Close the fuckin phone and look at us!" I think since high schoolers text and talk on AIM so much, blogging would be something they could relate to and learn from. College Professors do it, but they make it amazingly boring!--Post your comment to the article here, and they give you guidelines! Blogging should be your own ideas and thoughts to get off ur chest. thats what i am gonna use this for and set up one for my students when that time comes...

I got a lot of excerpts from my songs, poems, and just everyday thoughts that i am going to try and keep updated to hopefully keep (if anyone actually eventually reads this) YOU laughing, cryin, and maybe even a lil of both? So put on ur seatbelts, hide ur daughters and grandma's, cuz the trip into my mind is a little bit of a bumpy ride... with some Nutter Butter on the side! dig!