I want to feel...

Every time I smoke weed, I wished I hadn't. Its a cycle I struggle with every day. I cannot explain why I need it, except for the fact that I would rather take my mind off of my life, instead of stare at it head-on and deal with the challenges that face me. I know for a fact that if I never started smoking weed, I would be graduated, I would most likely have a career going, and I would have more money. I do not want to be stupid anymore. I want to stop. I REALLY do. It's so much harder than i thought. I guess you could say that I am officially addicted. But I am not buying anymore. Even though I have said that a million times, I need to mean it this time. So i'll say it again: I AM NOT BUYING ANYMORE! I want to laugh without being high, I want to cry, I want to smile without being stoned, I want to feel pain, I want to experience the ups and downs of life like everyone else, I want feelings. I am tired of being numb and pretending everything is ok. I am desperate because I need to turn things around and not concentrate on vagina anymore. I need myself. I want to volunteer my time and help others. I want to create new things that make people happy. I want to make a better life for myself. I want to work hard and stay busy. I want to be adventurous and explore the world. I want to travel everywhere. I want to drop everything and leave for a while not knowing where I am going. I want all of this, but most importantly, I WANT To Feel!